ok. been quite some time since i last posted.
i thought everything was going quite smoothly ever since i told him about him and jocelyn and how i really felt about it.
then the situation did improve abit but still,
there's always this phobia in me whenever i'm with them.
thank god now it's holiday and hopefully, there'll be less chances of me going out with them.
*prays hard.
i know it'll eventually happen again unless it's the student internship period.
hais. no point thinking about it now when it's not happening.

like i've said, i thought the situation had improved BUT
just yesterday, he hurt me again.
WELL DONE.
SOMEONE had told him that for me, out of 10 friends, 7 of them are guys.
i seriously HATE the feeling of knowing a 3rd party is talking "behind" my back.
why can't that person keep it to herself? and what's the purpose of telling bryan about that?
i really don't get it.
honestly speaking, the 1st person that i thought of of that SOMEONE is jocelyn.
i think it's like rather obvious.
who else knows about me and does talks to bryan in the 1st place?
pokie? lydia? kat? ying ying? ha! what a joke.
i was hurt by THAT FRIEND's action.
and i was hurt by him as well.
seriously, so what if i've got 7guy friends out of 10?
you just don't trust me about it. you have doubts about me.
that's why you're askin me about it... isn't it?

another thing... hais. all within one conversation. so many troubles.
even though i told you i was emo, you don't seem to care.
you didn't even show any concern.
at least when i told delvin that i was emo,
at least he asked what happen and etc.
hais.
it seems like as time passes and each time i get hurt,
the picture seems clearer and the answer is going to be revealed soon..

it's time to take a step back and reflect back for the past one month plus of this "relationship".
this time, i seriously need to think it thrice and analyze if this relationship can really work out well. he once said," amanda, no point. before we even start, there's so much problems already." although i replied saying that every problem has their solution. it's just the matter if you want to find and get them solve or not.
however, these problems somehow, have gone beyond the line. these problems have affected me mentally and spiritually...
my heart ached. i cried. mentally tired.
problems don't involve the two of us only. but a 3rd party.
i felt so insecured and uncertain.

i've lost a close friend. a friend whom i talk to about any and every problems i have.
but not now. he has stolen my friend away...
both can get along so well. better than me n him.
i can no longer trust her.
i don't feel safe to tell her anything about me already...
hais. it's ok.
now i got to think thrice before telling her anything.
who knows.

it's ok... it's alright...
time will, soon, reveal a clearer picture...