1st day

ok... met melvin after sch n kat joined us for awhile before leaving for dinner.
had our chat once again. and this time, i've decided to just end it all.

here goes...
he: OMG! i just woke up. o.O i tot the time is abt 6am now sia. =X
me: WELL DONE.
he: i'm sorry. i know i'm suppose to meet you today de but i guess i slept too late last night.
me: I got nth to say.
me: i realise tt it's too tiring to hang on any further... dun wish to pin on anymore hopes... lets just end it here ya...
he: its not like i purposely dowan to go meet you or wad lor.
me: wad i said just now it's not because u didn meet me or wad... it's just all e probs from e past till now... e probs are nv solved n it's continuin. seriously, things u've done, hav u ever considered my feelings? i'm doubtin it.
he: wad did i do? can you at least let me know my mistakes.
me: all your mistakes, i've told them to you before... think back then.. furthermore, e main thihg is i'll lose my freedom of meetin my close guy friends because u dun trust me at all.
he: i didn even say you can't meet them. i've nvr stopped you in doing anything la.if you think you wanna end it coz of reasons liek this den i sae go ahead. it just goes to show you're not really serious abt it.
me: but whenever i meet them, u're unhappy then u dun trust me tt issue. seriously, i'm damn disappointed. if i'm not serious abt it, why am i puttin in so much effort, which is much more than urs, n hangin on till now? hmmm... lets just move on with our lives then...
he: if i keep meeting girls how would you feel. the fact is you've lost interest in me ardy. its not like i didn put in effort at all. bcos of you i dun even go out with the girls i go with ardy. most of the time i'm either alone or with you. but you? you make it sound as if everything is my fault. you make it sound as if i am the one who created all those problems. but have you asked yourself if not for roy case you think i won't trust you? you keep complaining that i tell joc abt us but not you. den u can go tell marcus abt us but not me. there're more than wad i've stated but i've nvr voiced them out bcoz i'm tryin to believe you and there you are makin things seem like you're the only one puttin in effort.
me: see, i forever duno wad you're thinking about seriously. then u dun wanna tell me. how would i noe? marcus came to ask me tts y i told him. but i've changed after roy's incident, didn i? till now i stil dun gain ur trust. but now, we've made things ugly and we can just keep explainin on n on with no ending. you've ur stand. same goes for me. let's just put a stop here
he: ya easy for you to say cos you can forget easily. you say i dun care for your feelings, and if you've even considered abt my feelings den you won't be saying these to me ardy.
me: seriously ah, i can assure u tt i've put in much more effort on you than my previous ex. tts how much effort and seriousness i'm puttin into this rs. but now it's not abt hu's feeling. but seriously we're not workin out well. lets just end it.

ok. i almost cried out infront of melvin. but i didn't. i almost broke down too. but i didn't. gotta hold on till i reached home. it's still fucking hard for me to let go!!! this is the 1st time such things had such a fuckin great impact on me. fuck man! melvin said maybe it's because my doubts are still not answered and i can't take this down ah... argh!!! i just got to be frank. my heart did aches. like obvious. seriously, i've put in my 100% for this rs and it's way more than the previous rs. do you guys even see once that i gave tian ming a morning call? nope. i didn sacrifice much for tian ming... maybe because i'm so pampered by him already. i don't know. but for him, it's just naturally that i'm willing to go all out for him. i don't know why. argh!!! fuck fuck fuck!!!

why didn you tell me your thoughts earlier? what makes you think that we couldn't work it out if we were to talk our problems out? why did you hide it to yourself? why why why?!?! why did you make me fall for you? why didn you show your love more? why did you treat me like this for that one whole week? why why why?!

i've made things ugly. there's no way out for me already. i just have to carry on. just imagine if we were to make things ugly but still carry on, ain't the feelings gonna be weird when we see each other? my heart hurts more and more as i was ending it. i did regret but no turn back for me already. what would he think of me if i were to turn back? he would have lost his confidence in me.

i came home, immediately went into my room and broke into tears. cried non stop. i still can't bring myself to let go... but if given a choice, would i still do the same thing? maybe not. i would have asked about his feelings before turning things ugly. maybe it's just fated that we can't be together... i couldnt stand it but i went to find him on msn and asked if we can talk...

here goes...
he: wad you wanna talk abt ?
he: your msn nick says not to talk to you .
me: i just wanna know why didn you tell me how did u feel earlier but now
he: wads there to tell .
he: there's nth to tell .
me: then we could have talked things out
he: even if said you'll just give me your explanation thats all .
he: nth's gonna change .
me: if we have been truthful to each other about our feelings, things won't turn out this way...
me: yup... too late to say anything...
he: i doubt so .
me: if you doubt so, that means you feel we won't work out either?
he: i put myself in your shoes and think .. thats why i didnt stop you from meeting your guy friends .
he: but you insisted that its a problem .
he: nvm .
me: but u didn tell me...
me: i still taut it was bothering you...
he: you should try putting yourself in my shoes .
me: i did.. that's why i cut down on e no. of times meetin them
he: imagine your guy meeting girls all the time but its his right to do so and you dont want to stop him . and constantly you're trying to believe that its ok for him to meet them cos their his close friends afterall . but the past issue abt another girl with him is making you feel that maybe you're putting in too much trust .
me: but i've explained and changed, didn i?
me: i stopped meetin my guy friends for that period. hopin that you'll see my effort
he: you need time to trust when such things happened .
me: it's been so long...
he: i oso stopped contacting joc hoping that you'll see my effort .
me: i did...
he: you go ask her how many msges she sent me and i didnt reply .
me: i saw that effort
he: imagine you come home see your husband slping with another woman .
he: den he explained and change but will you believe him that easily in such a short period of time ?
me: but u didn tell me the trust was because of roy
me: u told me it's because i've got too many guy friends... thats why i focuse there
then no more reply...

i shouldn have blamed everything on him.. i should have reflected on myself too. i should ask him what he was thinking... fuck! why am i sayin all these? everything's too late now.. i can't rewind the time back... but can we really work out well or more problems will be surfacing as time passes by? is fate tryin to tell us to stop where we are so that we will not get hurt anymore? ok. i'm still not emotionally stable...

so pls guys, don't mention a single thing about him nor mention his name. and hopefully, i don't see him in school... not sure but soon i guess, i'll break into tears again...

though i'm missing you now and wishes to see you for that one last time, i know it's impossible... there won't be such a chance anymore... i'm silly and yes i know... this is not as if i want it to be this way... fuck... what's happening to that amanda i know? she's gone... no idea when she'll be back...